A reflection on postpartum mental health, why “I’m fine” can feel easier than explaining how we really feel, and why new mums need space to be heard.
I’m fine.” It’s probably one of the easiest answers to give when someone asks how you are. Most of the time we don’t even think about it, we just say it and move on. But lately I’ve been thinking about those two words and how much can actually sit behind them, especially after becoming a mum.
I think sometimes we assume when someone says “I’m fine” but they’re actually struggling, they must be hiding how they really feel. But what if they’re not? What if they actually don’t know how they feel themselves? Because how do you explain something to someone else when you haven’t even worked it out yourself?
When you’ve just had a baby, everything has changed. You’re tired, your hormones are all over the place, your body is recovering and suddenly you’re responsible for this little person who needs you for everything. So when you’re feeling emotional, anxious, overwhelmed or just not quite yourself, how do you know what’s causing it? Of course I’m tired, I have a newborn. Of course I’m overwhelmed, my whole life has changed.
That’s where I think it gets complicated. When does adjusting to motherhood become something you might actually need help with? Maybe you think you need more sleep, you’re just having a bad week or you’ll feel better once the baby settles into more of a routine.
We hear a lot about asking for help, and of course we should encourage women to speak up. But I wonder if we sometimes make that sound easier than it actually is. Before you can ask for help, you need to recognise that something isn’t right, and I don’t think that’s always as obvious as we make it sound.
It also makes me think about what happens after we leave hospital. We spend so much time preparing for birth and learning about feeding, nappies, sleeping and everything our baby is going to need. Then they arrive and naturally so much of the attention shifts to them. But Mum came home too.
There are postpartum checks and support available, but I wonder whether we talk enough about what those weeks and months can actually feel like mentally and emotionally. I knew about postpartum depression before becoming a mum, but knowing the words and understanding how differently struggling can actually look are two very different things.
Postpartum mental health has so many layers. For some women those early feelings are part of adjusting, some experience postpartum anxiety or depression and others can experience much more serious postpartum mental health conditions. They aren’t all the same, but maybe knowing there are different experiences could make it easier to recognise when something doesn’t feel right.
And maybe it doesn’t always look the way we expect it to. It might be constantly worrying, not being able to switch your brain off, feeling disconnected or getting irritated and not really understanding why. From the outside, you might look like you’re doing completely fine.
Then I started thinking about the way we check in on new mums. We ask, “Are you okay?” and of course it comes from a good place, but it’s also incredibly easy to answer with, “Yeah, I’m fine.” Maybe we need to ask questions that encourage more than a two-word response. Something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been a little lost in your thoughts lately. Is there anything on your mind you want to talk through?” Or even, “Your baby is doing so well, but how are you doing? Is there anything I can do to give you a little time for yourself?” Sometimes offering that extra bit of understanding might make it easier for someone to open up.
Maybe we also need to check in again. She might genuinely have been fine last week and this week she isn’t, or perhaps she wasn’t ready to talk the first time. It doesn’t mean assuming something must be wrong, just leaving the door open for a conversation if she needs it.
I also think we underestimate how scary admitting you’re struggling can be. Motherhood already comes with so much pressure that it’s easy to wonder, Will they think I’m a bad mum? Will they think I can’t look after my baby? Everyone else seems to be coping, so why can’t I? Suddenly “just ask for help” doesn’t sound quite as simple.
Maybe that’s why the responsibility can’t sit entirely with Mum. We can’t expect someone to recognise what’s happening, understand it, find the right words and then know exactly who to ask for help. Sometimes the first thing she needs might simply be someone willing to listen without judgement.
I don’t know what the perfect answer is. Maybe we need better conversations before women leave hospital, more check-ins afterwards and more information for partners and families too. Maybe postpartum mental health needs to become as normal to talk about as feeding, sleeping and physical recovery.
What I do know is that you shouldn’t need a name for what you’re feeling before you’re allowed to talk about it. Maybe all you know is, Something doesn’t feel right or I don’t really feel like myself. Surely that’s enough reason for someone to listen.
Because sometimes “I’m fine” really does mean I’m fine. But sometimes it might mean, I don’t know how to explain how I’m feeling yet. And maybe instead of only encouraging new mums to ask for help, we also need to make sure there’s a safe enough space for them to work out what they’re trying to say.
I’m writing this as a mum thinking about something I feel we need to talk about more, not as a medical professional. Having difficult days after having a baby doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong, but if you’re struggling or something doesn’t feel right, you don’t have to work out exactly what it is before talking to someone.
Talking to your GP, midwife, child and family health nurse or another healthcare professional can be a place to start. In Australia, PANDA’s National Perinatal Mental Health Helpline also supports expecting and new parents experiencing mental health and emotional wellbeing challenges. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call Triple Zero (000).
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