Her Honest Space

Motherhood can make us lose sight of who we are beyond the role of mum. This gentle guide explores identity loss after baby, the weight of expectations, and how to begin rediscovering yourself with small, meaningful steps.

A friend shared a story on what hardest part of being a mum was to her and that stayed with me. She was sitting in a job interview and was asked the simple question: “Tell us about yourself — who are you?”

Her mind went straight to her family. A wife to… a mother of… But before she could continue, the interviewer stopped her and gently repeated: “No — who are you?”

She realised she didn’t have an answer. And in that moment, she felt the full weight of how much of herself had disappeared behind the title of “mum.”

It struck me because I’ve felt that same emptiness too, the blur between who I was before and who I thought I had to be after becoming a mother.

When ‘Self’ Disappears After Baby

Motherhood has a way of rearranging everything. It’s not sudden, it’s slow — a quiet fading into the background as we learn to prioritise everyone else’s needs before our own.

The clothes we once loved sit untouched, humour feels “too much,” and the dreams we carried get packed away for later. Piece by piece, our sense of self slips away under the weight of expectations , what a mum should be, how she should act, what she should want.

We carry it like a burden that feels ours alone to wear. Even with good support around us, the inner struggle can feel like something we should figure out silently. We don’t know how to put it into words, so we keep it inside. And in the silence, we stay stuck.

When people ask, “How are you? How’s motherhood?” the answer is often a quick “good” or maybe a joke “it’s no picnic, that’s for sure.” But deep down, it’s harder to grasp who we really are anymore. We used to feel secure in our identity, and to lose that feels disorienting. Loving our babies never stops, but the more incomplete we feel inside, the more impossible it seems to give 100 percent to our child, our partner, our family, or even our friends.

The Weight of Expectations

It isn’t just the quiet battles we carry within ourselves that make identity feel heavy. The world around us has its own expectations, shaping how supported or unseen we feel.

Partners, family, even society at large often hold ideas of what a “good mum” should look like. We hear it in the small comments, feel it in the comparisons, and carry it in the unspoken rules: always available, endlessly patient, content to put our needs last.

Even when we do have support, it can feel like our struggle is invisible because motherhood is seen as something we should naturally “just know how to do.” And so, even with helping hands, we can still feel alone in the weight of it.

It’s not just about the nappies, the sleepless nights, or the routines. It’s about the subtle message that our worth is tied only to how well we perform in the role of “mum.” And when that role consumes everything, we’re left asking the quiet question we rarely say out loud: Who am I, really, beyond this?

The Turning Point

Somewhere along the way, something whispers to us that this can’t be all there is — that motherhood isn’t meant to erase us, but to grow us.

One mum in our community said it best: “Motherhood is a level-up, not a replacement.” Those words feel like a gentle wake-up call. We don’t have to disappear in order to be good mothers.

The turning point often begins in the smallest steps — a journal entry, a coffee before the day begins, a walk alone, or daring to name what we truly need. Sometimes it’s creative expression, like writing, painting, or even redecorating a corner of our home. Other times it’s simply giving ourselves permission to pause.

For many of us, it takes time. We stumble, we second-guess, and we wonder if claiming space for ourselves is selfish. But slowly, we realise that the more whole we are, the more present we can be for the people we love. Rediscovering ourselves doesn’t take away from our role as mums it strengthens it.

How We Begin Again

Beginning again doesn’t usually come in one big moment — it’s found in a series of small, almost ordinary choices that slowly remind us of who we are.

It might look like:

• Pouring a coffee before tending to anyone else, giving ourselves permission to take those twenty quiet seconds.
• Picking up an old hobby, or trying something new, not because it’s “useful” but because it sparks joy.
• Saying yes to help when it’s offered — or asking for it when it isn’t.
• Allowing ourselves to rest without guilt, because exhaustion doesn’t mean we’re failing.
• Reclaiming parts of our home or our wardrobe that reflect us, not just what’s practical for motherhood.

Rediscovering ourselves doesn’t always mean big changes — often it’s about small, intentional choices. Even in the way we approach our homes, we can carve out space that reflects us. That’s why I often return to my 3 S’s:

• Source Smart — choosing what really adds value, not just what’s expected.
• Style Simply — creating spaces that reflect who we are, not only the role we play.
• Save Strategically — investing our time, energy, and resources where they truly matter.

These aren’t just about interiors — they’re gentle reminders that our choices deserve thought and care. And that includes the way we choose to care for ourselves.

The truth is, beginning again is messy. Some days it feels like progress, other days like we’re back at the start. But each small step — each time we choose to value our needs alongside everyone else’s — is a quiet act of rediscovery.

And in that rediscovery, we start to see that being “mum” doesn’t replace who we are. It layers onto it, deepening and stretching us into someone new.

Rediscovery Takes Time

Motherhood has a way of shaking us at our core — but it doesn’t mean we’re lost forever… Who we are doesn’t disappear; it reshapes, layer by layer, as we learn to carry both the love we have for our children and the love we’re still learning to give ourselves.

It takes time. Some days it feels clumsy, other days like we’ve found a new rhythm. But showing up with love — for our babies and for ourselves — is where the rediscovery begins.

We don’t have to choose between being “mum” and being ourselves. We can be both — and in being both, we grow into someone stronger, softer, and more whole.

💛 I’d love to know — what’s one small way you’ve started to reconnect with yourself since becoming a mum?